Lost Love
by wertman25
Summary: NCIS - S:13, E:24 – Family First - The story begins the moment after McGee and Abby show up at Tony's house to give him the bad news about Ziva. This is a moment within Tony's mind, for us to see the inner turmoil that he is going through upon hearing the news of her death.


Lost Love

 **By: wertman25**

 **Request from a follower that saw I liked Ziva and Tony.**

 **Summary: NCIS - S:13, E:24 – Family First - The story begins the moment after McGee and Abby show up at Tony's house to give him the bad news about Ziva. This is a moment within Tony's mind, for us to see the inner turmoil that he is going through upon hearing the news.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or their characters, I just gave too much of my life to this couple for it to end like this– I know you want this to continue, but I'm nost sure that it will. Still, I got the request, and couldn't refuse.**

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He choked back a sob, masking his pain with a large intake of air that he hoped would bring him sanity and strength. It was like he had been punched– broken. His heart had been smashed; it had stopped beating in his chest, unable to deal with his world crumbling around him. His world– She was dead. Ziva was dead. She was gone…

Unable to handle the weight that was forming across his body, he fell back onto his bed, the tears already swelling in his eyes. Instantly, he felt his father's hand wrap around his back and soon after Abby's head on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Tony." She whispered; her hand rubbing his side and her own tears beginning to fall down her face.

Tony said nothing. He just stared forward, a small frown forming over his features. The fact of the matter was he had hardly heard Abby's apology. He couldn't comprehend the outside world because his mind was already set ablaze with one fact that he could not comprehend. Ziva was dead… Ziva was dead, but she couldn't be. It was impossible. She had to be alive. He felt it in his aching chest. She wasn't dead. She– They weren't done yet. Tony shook his head slightly, his gaze still on the wall ahead of him. _She can't be dead. She's not dead._

"I'm sorry, Tony." McGee whispered from his spot behind Senior. "I know there is nothing we can–"

"Are we sure?" Tony repeated to Tim, his voice failing to hide the heartbreak within his chest. He didn't want apologies. He wanted Ziva. He needed her.

Tony felt both his father and Abby's grasp on his body tighten as if giving him the indication that it was true, but he still couldn't believe it. He had to hear them say it… He thought maybe that it would help. He hadn't heard the words. He need to. He needed to hear the reality of what was happening. He needed to hear them say that she was gone.

"Junior…" Senior began, his voice laced with sorrow that Tony didn't want to hear.

"Tim." Tony pushed, turning his tear filled face back to look at his friend, "Please."

McGee breathed in deeply, obviously holding in his own sorrow. "Vance got a call from Tel Aviv." McGee said, circling the bed to stand in front of his best friend. "Eli David's farmhouse was almost completely destroyed in the explosion and what wasn't destroyed was nearly all burned to the ground."

McGee's words weren't what Tony needed. He needed hardcore facts and proof that she was dead. "Almost" and "nearly" weren't words that closed the deal, those two words left possibility, like the possibility of her being alive.

"So there's hope." Tony whispered, more to himself than the people surrounding him in the room. _She's alive._ Tony told himself. _She has to be._

McGee was silent for a few moments before he shook his head. "There is no way anyone could have survived."

At McGee's statement, Tony sorrow changed to anger– outraged anger. "What do you mean no one could survive?" Tony screamed, pulling away from his father and friend's grip to challenge his best friend's comment. "They pulled out a survivor!"

"But the survivor wasn't Ziva." McGee stated, tears now apparent on his face as well. "I'm so sorry, Tony."

"Who the hell else could it have been?!" Tony screamed, his face red and stained with tears. He didn't want sorrow. He didn't want pity. He didn't want apologies. He wanted Ziva… He wanted answers.

"Junior." Senior whispered, grabbing onto his son's shoulder and pulling him back towards the bed, "Just calm down."

"Calm down!" Tony repeated appalled, pulling away and breaking his arm free of his father's grasp, "How can I be calm when no one has any answers!"

"Tony…" Abby cried, causing Tony to look back towards the bed.

The look on Abby's face made him immediately pause. She was broken too. They all were. Ziva was their friend too; they loved her just like he did. _Lies._ His mind reminded him. _Lies._ He loved her differently than the rest. She was his friend too, but so much more. _She was everything._ At his mind's reminders Tony ran his hand through his hair finally allowing a small sob to escape from his lips. She was gone. Ziva was gone. They all believed it, but he needed time. He still couldn't believe it. To him, she wasn't gone. She couldn't be.

Slowly, he wiped the tears off of his face, trying desperately to regain composure. "Tim." He called, turning to look towards McGee. "We need to do what Ziva would want. We need to find him. We have to get this son of a bitch."

McGee's face became hard as he nodded, "We'll get him, Tony. For Ziva, we will get him."

Tony nodded, before returning to his spot on the bed. McGee and Abby joined him, while his father remained by his side. The four sat in silence for a long while, only Abby truly crying while the rest held onto Tony, as if he would fall to pieces if they would let go. The truth was, he might. Tony knew that it was possible that he could fall to pieces… if it was true. He couldn't imagine being in a world without her– it had already been hell being away from her for the last three years. He couldn't imagine a lifetime without her. He had told her once that he could not live without her… and he had meant it. She was his everything.

The sound of a phone echoed through Tony's home, causing the group to move from their spots on Tony's bed. Everyone looked at their phones, not admitting that each of them hoped for some miracle that it could be Ziva. But each of them looked to black screens– all except one, and it wasn't Ziva calling.

"It's mine." McGee announced, sliding the arrow to unlock phone before bringing it up to his ear. "Yeah, boss?"

Tony turned towards McGee, silently listening to whatever Gibbs could be saying on the other end. He hoped he was calling to inform them of the mistake– or at the very least that they had captured and killed Ziva's murderer. Kort, the bastard…

"Understood." McGee said, his eyes turning towards DiNozzo, "We'll be in."

"We have to go." McGee announced, before shoving the phone into his pocket and turning back to the group. Tim was about to say his goodbyes but paused when both Abby and Tony stood to leave. Tony wanted to help, but everyone knew he couldn't. McGee took a deep breath, grabbing onto his friend's arm, "Tony. You stay here."

Tony frowned, shaking his head. "No."

"Yes." Abby answered, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "We'll be back. You stay here."

"You need time, Junior." His father added, and Tony bit back any response, knowing that he would be fighting a losing battle against the three of them. He forced a nod, watching the floor as his father escorted his friends out of the room.

Only then, when he was left alone did he finally break. He dropped his head into his hands, unable to stop the tears. He tried to breathe, but each breath came out as a low gasp unable to get any oxygen to his lungs. It was all too much. Everything. Ziva couldn't be dead. She couldn't. It wasn't just impossible– it didn't add up. Did no one else see the missing pieces to the puzzle? The possibilities? She could be alive. She could need help– his help– their help. Did they want to help her? Not in real ways. They wanted to find Kort and stand around to see if he was alright. How did that make sense? Why did everyone keep apologizing to him? She wasn't anymore to him then she was to anyone else. _Lie!_ His mind screamed again, reminding him of the truth. She was so much more to him than anyone else knew. She was his friend– his best friend. She was his partner. She was his lover. She was the love of his life.

"You need anything, Junior?" His father asked as he walked back into the room, "Can I get you anything?"

 _You can get me, Ziva._ He thought, but decided to just shake his head. They didn't believe him– hell, he didn't even believe himself. His father exited the room, giving some excuse for leaving him alone that he didn't hear. He fell back onto his bed, his face hitting the mattress as he stared at the ceiling.

 _"_ _You know I care, Tony." Ziva whispered in the darkness from beside him._

 _"_ _Do I?" He asked; his voice filled with anger and irritation. He wouldn't look at her, he couldn't. He just stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore her. She had joined him in his bed sometime ago; laying beside him in an attempt to fix whatever it was that was going on between them._

 _"_ _Please look at me, Tony." She whispered, her hands rubbing his side._

 _"_ _And why would I do that, Zee-va." He mocked, causing her to laugh from beside him._

 _It was good to hear her laugh, even if he was pissed at her. She had a great laugh, one that was hardly heard. He wished she would laugh more often. He wished that she could be happy – That they could be happy._

 _"_ _Because you care too." She whispered, her voice conveying the hidden emotion that they both kept hidden on a daily basis. He wished for that too – that their emotions didn't have to be hidden, from each other or from anyone else._

 _He turned to her slowly, finally looking into her tear filled eyes. "I do."_

 _She nodded, allowing a small smile to form over her features. "So do I."_

 _They were silent for a long moment. Their eyes conveying all words that they couldn't say. They could never say it, but tonight was different. Tonight they were alone away from it all. Tonight it was just them: Tony and Ziva. They didn't know who made the first move, but their lips were on one another before either one could stop. They loved each other and tonight, even though they wouldn't say it, they would show it._

Tony closed his eyes at the memory, fighting back the pain and torture it brought to his heart. He couldn't just wait here and do nothing. He couldn't just sit here and cry. If he did nothing, the memories and pain would continue. He had to do something– he had to leave. He knew she was out there. He had to find her.

 _She's alive._

Without a second thought Tony rose from the bed and exited his room. He walked towards the door, bypassing his father who sat on the couch in his living room.

"Junior!" His father called, noticing him as he passed, "Where are you going?"

"Work." Tony answered as he opened the door and walked out without another word. He could hear his father yelling behind him to stop, but he couldn't. He had to find her. She wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. Ziva was alive! He could feel it. They were wrong. All of them! He was the Senior Field Agent. He was Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. There had been a mistake. He had to correct it. He couldn't sit and wait, he could find her. Ziva David was alive, and she was waiting for him.

 _I'm coming, Ziva._ Tony thought, calling out to her silently and hoping by some miracle that she would hear him. _I'll find you. I promise._

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 **Author's Note: Request granted, hope it's what you wanted! Drop a review!**


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